


Witness

by Alexicon



Series: The “Andy Needs a Freaking Break” Verse [1]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Established Relationship, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-05
Updated: 2016-04-05
Packaged: 2018-05-31 09:39:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6465316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexicon/pseuds/Alexicon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Just yesterday, Andy would’ve guessed that the Bat made his kids swear vows of celibacy before putting on their masks. But now he’s thoroughly disillusioned.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Witness

**Author's Note:**

> From [this post](http://lexiconallie.tumblr.com/post/142281552388/generatorcat-theawesomeishere-you-know-im) on tumblr.

Andy’s not sure why he’s still awake.

Honestly, he wishes he was out cold like the rest of the guys right now. He’d been all right with being awake a few minutes ago -- he’d gotten enough concussions on his high school wrestling team, thanks -- but that had been _before_.

Before what, one might ask?

Before some other superhero (if you could call the Red Hood a superhero, which some did not, and debated furiously come lunch break) showed up, apparently just to tease Red Hood. Somehow, Red Hood didn’t pull out a gun. Somehow, he responded by teasing back instead of with _bullets_.

And this was not your typical ‘snarky superhero teases their sometime-enemy’ teasing. Andy’s heard that. He’s been muscle for a few villains in this city, he’s watched more than his fair share of face-offs between baddies and caped crusaders. He knows banter. This is more along the lines of the banter his sister and her husband share when they think no one’s listening at family parties. This is -- okay, granted, it’s a little more barbed than Sharon and Lou (if his sister ever sounded like Red Robin did when he asked about hidden weaponry, Andy would’ve frisked his own brother-in-law more thoroughly than is usually polite at a family dinner, even in Gotham) -- but this, this is _flirting_. 

Andy’s somewhere between confused and terrified.

He’d never heard of superheroes dating (if you ignored the rumors about Batman and Catwoman canoodling on rooftops like they think no one in the city’s got a pair of binoculars, or _cameras that zoom_ ), especially not one of the Batman’s kids. Just yesterday, Andy would’ve guessed that the Bat made his kids swear vows of celibacy before putting on their masks. But now he’s thoroughly disillusioned, and very, very sorry about that.

Aaaand Red Hood is running a hand through Red Robin’s hair. Andy watched a documentary with his niece about parrots once. There was a whole section on parrots preening their mates. He doesn’t know why that’s stuck in his head now. (He wonders if other birds besides parrots preen each other. Andy’s pretty sure they do. He’s also pretty sure Red Robin would have his hands all over Red Hood’s hair if it weren’t for, well, the hood. Helmet. Whatever that thing is.)

Andy’s not trying to listen in (he’d plug his ears if his hands weren’t ziptied together) but wow, he’d never known the Red Hood could laugh like that. Or that Red Robin would be okay with someone whispering in his ear. (Wouldn’t the hood (helmet?) be cold against your face?)

And their body language is ridiculous. If Andy had someone who’d get that close to him while he was carrying that much firepower, he’d drop to his knees to propose on the spot (if he could make it to the ground without all his guns clanking together loudly enough to burst eardrums. Red Hood was _carrying_ , okay, he was carrying pretty much _everything imaginable_ ). They’re leaning towards each other, they’re all touchy-touchy...

Oh, god. Red Hood actually has his arm around Red Robin’s shoulder. That’s not as good as Red Robin’s position, though -- Red Robin’s got his hand on Red Hood’s chest, right over that red bat. And he’s rubbing, god, he’s rubbing the _Red Hood’s chest_. Like he’s petting a dog or a cat. Andy looks around to exchange an incredulous glance with. Unfortunately, all of his buddies are still unconscious, so that’s a no-go. He wonders if it’s worth it to try to knock himself out. It probably wouldn’t work, which is a shame. And from what his knee’s telling him, he wouldn’t be able to get up without crying (which the Red Hood would definitely bring up in front of all his friends if they ever met again, because Red Hood is an _asshole_ ), so he can’t even try to run away.

Damn it. He has to draw attention to himself.

When Andy clears his throat, they don’t even twitch before they turn his way. They must’ve been aware of him the whole time, the bastards.

“Uh,” Andy says, which is not a promising start. He clears his throat again. “Hi. Hey, I was wondering, can I just...go? I’ll swear never to break the law again, I’ll sign my name in blood, I’ll give you information about everyone, whatever you want. Just, can I leave, please?”

“He said please,” notes Red Robin, a bright smile covering his face.

“That he did,” Red Hood replies, helmet (hood?) bobbing in agreement. “That sure is interesting, Red Robin. What do _you_ think we should do?”

“Here’s a thought, how about you do all that _after_ you go to jail?” Red Robin asks, like he’s had the most brilliant idea in the world. “Your friends here will never know anything’s different that way.”

“What a _swell_ plan. And it is only fair, he _did_ break the law.”

Andy imagines that Red Hood is grinning something awful under the hood (helmet?). He curses softly, then, “Fine. Treat me like the rest of them, but you have to knock me out like ‘em too. For believability.”

They glance at each other and shrug. “If you insist.”

Then everything goes dark. Andy can’t say he’s sorry about that.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](http://lexiconallie.tumblr.com)!


End file.
